Wanting the fairytale….

For as long as I can remember, as a little girl dreaming about who would love me and be my partner for my life’s journey and my heart and souls companion. I’d read books, and watch movies of all kinds with those perfect happy endings, hoping, wishing and knowing that I would have that kind of a love of my very own someday.

And then one day I was told I would have to grow up.

Why is that so?

I used to think that life and adults were very evil and cruel to little girls by treating them so. For filling their sails with such false hopes.

Now I am not so sure….

I only know, that, I want that fairytale, and YOU my dearest love are my heart and souls companion. This short poem isn’t that wonderful, but it’s mine and yours….

My Fairytale

I want the fairytale.
My handsome prince…
The smile on his lips
and sparkle in his eyes.
His strength and confidence
to always surround me.
The honesty and love,
unconditional in his kiss.
Everlasting promise
to always rescue me.

I want the fairytale.
My fairytale is you.

~Jaymie
April 7, 2011

Please accept it for all that it means. I believe that it is a very rare chance for anyone to find their fairytale. I know I have had a very difficult journey to get here and so has my love. I also know that there is no such thing as “happily ever after”.

We all have difficult steps to take, hurdles to jump, mountains to conquer, even leaps of faith…. but I know that together, we can do anything we need to. As one on my favorite songs says “all we need is love!”

Take my hand….

Choices and decisions…

Have I made the right ones?

I have to constantly remind myself that no matter how hard today is, yesterday is gone and I did alright. I am better now than I was. The kids are better now, and every day is a step forward even though they are small and difficult. Staying in bad situations so my kids could have “things” would have been wrong, and was wrong. They need me well, want me well, and that is what they have now. Is what I am working hard to improve.

Happiness is out there. On a tree, growing an apple for me to come and grab. Have picked a few unripened ones, one with a bruise and a worm inside. This shiny one looks right. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Under this big blue sky all things are possible. It never stops turning, for anyone. That is its nature. We need to remember to go out and enjoy all that it has to offer while we are here and able to. I always forget that too.

This is another reminder to myself. I hope you all don’t mind. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Namaste

What ifs…

That is what my problem is.

What ifs, why not mes, why didn’t Is, I should-haves, and I never wills.

People are always telling me and talking about forgiveness, and moving on, and letting go. Why can’t I? I say these things to myself every day. They are in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, and the past cannot hurt you. But truthfully, it does hurt me. Every day.

I fear its going to continue to hurt me, and I’m going to continue to feel alone even though I have so many who love me and I know I am not alone. I fear that once my kids grow up and have their own lives I will truly be alone, because it is only for them I am here right now as it is. I fear that with all of my continuous mistakes that there has been one to many and that I have missed my “ship” along the way. They have all sailed and been taken by the ones who do deserve them.

I am a firm solid believer in karma. I cannot think of anything I have ever done that I deserve this suffering, but I must have or I would not be. In my heart I do not believe I deserve these things. I just truly do not understand why I keep running into walls. I feel like I have no brain, no understanding. Everyone around me is smarter than I am because they can make it in life.

for now,
Namaste

Out of hiding…

Ok, so I had this looooooong post typed up, ready to hit post. And what does IE do? That’s right, freezes. And what has WordPress not done? That’s right, no auto-save done. WTF! Why oh why do I ever try IE when I know its just going to frickin screw up on me??? Now I know I won’t remember or write what I had written before. *sigh* frustrations.

It has yet again been way to long since I sat down and wrote here. But I am crawling out again to try again. I suppose that is a good sign that I do keep trying. What doesn’t feel good is that I have to keep trying, confused? Yah, so am I. I would love to stop having that kicked-in-the-gut feeling.

The kids started school today. Which is great, my oldest has started her freshman year in High School. And my youngest has started Middle School. Which means I’m back to my old stay-at-home self since being let go, which is nice and sucks all at the same time. So what shall I do today…. stress, worry, be in pain from the migraines still? Yah, that sounds about right. *sigh* and its only 9am….

maybe I’ll just go cry a little bit…
Namaste

Been a while…

Well it seems I let time slip by once again. Things have been rather hectic and I’ve just not had the desire to write anything recently. School is going well. I have passed all the mod’s so far with high A’s. I’m still afraid over every quiz and every test… hell even every practice assignment. But I suppose its a good thing that I prove myself wrong every time.

Christmas and New Year’s went by way to fast, but did go very well. The kids were happy & had a great time, and that’s what really matters. We went to a Laff’s Comedy Cafe for New Year’s without the kids. I had a blast. Which is a new one for me. If you live in the Tucson area, its most definately a known place and a well reccomended visit for those who like to laugh.

The other thing keeping me down is the migraines are back. They’ve been daily for over 2 months now and have no sign of going away. The DR had me try vicodin for the pain… didn’t help. We’re now trying fioricets for the pain, they help a bit, and then a beta blocker as a preventitive. She said it’d take 3 weeks before I’d notice if the beta blocker is “blocking” but, I don’t see it helping yet. Did an MRI 2 weeks ago, and haven’t heard back from her as to the results, good or bad. Military doctors, really they frustrate me to no end. So I just try to go through my work day into the school night and just live with the pain.

Gotta jump back into work and finish up for the day.
Namaste

Acheivements for today…

Just a quick blurb… going to try something that’s always been hard for me, to list what I have accomplished today. Meaning, what I have done WELL/GOOD/POSITIVE….

  • Tested my blood sugar levels 5x today.
  • Kept my bs levels below 200 today.
  • Had my career portfolio ready for grading by the time class started tonight.
  • I did NOT have any “crying” moments today.
  • I told my kids I loved them.
  • That’s all I can think of right now. Its late, and class fried my brain.

    Namaste,

    Sucess!!!

    Well I’m happy to say that my neice had her birthday party on Saturday and she LOVED the gifts I’d made for her. I had been soooooo over worried that she wouldn’t like them as much as the other things I knew other people would be “buying” her. But her face lit up when she pulled her little bunny

    Little Bunny Friend

    Little Bunny Friend

    out of the little tote bag
    Little Girl Tote Bag

    Little Girl Tote Bag

    . It was really sweet. She also loved her poncho that I made for her, she put it on over her Belle dress she was wearing.
    Little Girl's Poncho

    Little Girl's Poncho

    It definately made all the work on them worth while.

    So now I’m on to other projects. Its my own daughter’s birthday coming up in October. So I’ve got a few ideas in the works for her. My only issue there is finding the time to make them when she isn’t looking. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’ve also have the desire to really work on some doilies, even though I know they are a bit outdated they are so beautiful. I am also trying out what’s called Filet Crochet. Basically its like graph paper with squares filled in to make the picture, but with the crochet your filling in the squares with the crochet stitches AND making the grid squares with the stitches. It really sounds harder than it is. I’ve already done 12 rows on a beginning project and I’ve impressed myself that it is actually working and so easy.

    So that’s what’s up in my little world. Really only a portion of it even. With the kids back in school and activities starting up, I hope that my new found up swing, strength, and hope, will keep up and keep forward.

    so for now,
    Namaste,

    I think its helping…

    Just had a good day today, and boy is that been somthing I’ve not been able to say for so long. I had to sit down and think about it, and you know, today had all the little things in it that normally set me off on down the endless pit of depsair, but they didn’t do it today. Even when I was on the Celexia I still had quite a few of those days. But I think this switch to the Lexapro has actually worked. I’m amazed at how I’m feeling lately. Its been 2 months since we switched me and, I’m pretty sure that’s how long it takes to kick in, so there really isn’t much doubt in my mind.

    I wanted to share a site with you all also. I’ve found it to be the best thing since facebook, where crafting is concerned anyway. It’s Ravelry Its a site kinda like facebook but for Knitters & Crocheters and other fiber arts. They have forums, groups, patterns, even a lovely database where you can keep track & share what your working on. I LOVE it! Definately a must visit if your into any of those crafts.

    Anyhoo, I must finish up here at the office so I can head home soon. Just had a burst of need to share.

    Namaste,