What ifs…

That is what my problem is.

What ifs, why not mes, why didn’t Is, I should-haves, and I never wills.

People are always telling me and talking about forgiveness, and moving on, and letting go. Why can’t I? I say these things to myself every day. They are in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, and the past cannot hurt you. But truthfully, it does hurt me. Every day.

I fear its going to continue to hurt me, and I’m going to continue to feel alone even though I have so many who love me and I know I am not alone. I fear that once my kids grow up and have their own lives I will truly be alone, because it is only for them I am here right now as it is. I fear that with all of my continuous mistakes that there has been one to many and that I have missed my “ship” along the way. They have all sailed and been taken by the ones who do deserve them.

I am a firm solid believer in karma. I cannot think of anything I have ever done that I deserve this suffering, but I must have or I would not be. In my heart I do not believe I deserve these things. I just truly do not understand why I keep running into walls. I feel like I have no brain, no understanding. Everyone around me is smarter than I am because they can make it in life.

for now,


Out of hiding…

Ok, so I had this looooooong post typed up, ready to hit post. And what does IE do? That’s right, freezes. And what has WordPress not done? That’s right, no auto-save done. WTF! Why oh why do I ever try IE when I know its just going to frickin screw up on me??? Now I know I won’t remember or write what I had written before. *sigh* frustrations.

It has yet again been way to long since I sat down and wrote here. But I am crawling out again to try again. I suppose that is a good sign that I do keep trying. What doesn’t feel good is that I have to keep trying, confused? Yah, so am I. I would love to stop having that kicked-in-the-gut feeling.

The kids started school today. Which is great, my oldest has started her freshman year in High School. And my youngest has started Middle School. Which means I’m back to my old stay-at-home self since being let go, which is nice and sucks all at the same time. So what shall I do today…. stress, worry, be in pain from the migraines still? Yah, that sounds about right. *sigh* and its only 9am….

maybe I’ll just go cry a little bit…

I said no!

I am in awe of myself, I just said “no” when a co-worker (whom always pushes his work off on me,) asked me “Do you have time for blah, blah, blah?” *Pats herself on the back* I’m always afraid of hurting people, or stepping on toes so I always say yes, no matter how busy or overwhelmed I am. This felt so hard to say, but omg is is so great! He said “ok, then I will.” ….. just like that!! No muss, no fuss!! I need to try this more often.


Is this what “normal” is???

Is this? I sit in amazement every day now. I don’t feel an unending urge to just cry, to just curl up and hide and wish it all away anymore. I have to admit, I cannot remember the last time I ever felt this “okay”. You would have thought that being a mother twice over, moving and living in such lovely and interesting places over the years that a person would have absolutely no reason at all to feel the way I’ve felt the last 13 years. And the clouds aren’t so dark anymore, its amazing to me. I still have quite a few dauting issues to work through, but I can see now, that I am not the only one. Everyone deals with these things. Debt, children fighting, their own children growing, daily house chores, daily job chores. I am not alone, and I need to hang onto that because when I was drowning, all I ever felt was alone, even with my loving family and friends. Its so hard to explain to anyone who’s not gone through it.

I am enjoying life again, and I just keep feeling the urge to shout it out and share it.
Thank you for sharing it with me. πŸ™‚

Light on the horizon…

Jaymie's New Truck

Jaymie's New Truck

Just had a bit of happy news & happenings. I am quite excited that I finally got a new (used but new to me) truck!! A ’93 Toyota 4 runner. I am so so so happy and it is quite beautirific!!! It has all the bells and whistles, and on top of everything it is an automatic and still has 4-wheel drive! It drives so nice, not like a truck at all. I can say how happy I am. The old camry was truly on its last legs, now I have no worries about my vechicle starting or dying.

Whoo hoos!

Missing in Action…

So sorry to have not been around for a while. I’m not sure I even have readers to apologize to. *SIGH* Oh well. I’ve been busy being depressed, being up and being down, trying to get my diabetes back under control. Lemme tell you all, I absolutely HATE with the UTTMOST passion HATE having to evaluate and analyze every dang thing that I put into my mouth to eat. I feel like food is controling my enitre day, my entire life and that I cannot live because of it, yet this is what I must do to be able to live. Its a bit ironic and so very depressing.

My clay time has been nearly non-existant, sadly. I have quietly slid away from all my email groups and not been participating like I would like. Partly due to not having any time what-so-ever, and partly due to lack of skill. I see everyone elses lovely creations and omg I am just fooling myself to think I could ever create like they do. I’ve posted a new link to a lady I so admire: Annabel Arico. She has the most stunning and free creations. *BRAVO* Pop on over there and get an eye-full. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Anyway, back to work for me. I’d much rather be home trying to create, or hell even just home sleeping. I honestly don’t feel I’m at the right place at any time of day anymore. Here’s hoping to things going back up, it certainly can’t go down any further. *sigh*

Moving along…

Christmas Pins

Christmas Pins

Okay, so after a week of a few doctor visits, and my actually getting back on my meds. I really feel so much better. I’m not feeling like life is stomping all over me. So much so that I actaully got to play with clay this weekend, and the good thing is it was all for an ORDER, yes an actual order for christmas pins. Here are the 3 versions I came up with these to the right. They are each about 2 inches high. The buyer loved them, I’m proud to say. And I’m quite happy with how they turned out as well. I am going to sit down tonight and make up another batch for my family members as well.

Back to work I go!! TTFN!