Choices and decisions…

Have I made the right ones?

I have to constantly remind myself that no matter how hard today is, yesterday is gone and I did alright. I am better now than I was. The kids are better now, and every day is a step forward even though they are small and difficult. Staying in bad situations so my kids could have “things” would have been wrong, and was wrong. They need me well, want me well, and that is what they have now. Is what I am working hard to improve.

Happiness is out there. On a tree, growing an apple for me to come and grab. Have picked a few unripened ones, one with a bruise and a worm inside. This shiny one looks right. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Under this big blue sky all things are possible. It never stops turning, for anyone. That is its nature. We need to remember to go out and enjoy all that it has to offer while we are here and able to. I always forget that too.

This is another reminder to myself. I hope you all don’t mind. ๐Ÿ˜‰



What ifs…

That is what my problem is.

What ifs, why not mes, why didn’t Is, I should-haves, and I never wills.

People are always telling me and talking about forgiveness, and moving on, and letting go. Why can’t I? I say these things to myself every day. They are in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, and the past cannot hurt you. But truthfully, it does hurt me. Every day.

I fear its going to continue to hurt me, and I’m going to continue to feel alone even though I have so many who love me and I know I am not alone. I fear that once my kids grow up and have their own lives I will truly be alone, because it is only for them I am here right now as it is. I fear that with all of my continuous mistakes that there has been one to many and that I have missed my “ship” along the way. They have all sailed and been taken by the ones who do deserve them.

I am a firm solid believer in karma. I cannot think of anything I have ever done that I deserve this suffering, but I must have or I would not be. In my heart I do not believe I deserve these things. I just truly do not understand why I keep running into walls. I feel like I have no brain, no understanding. Everyone around me is smarter than I am because they can make it in life.

for now,

Out of hiding…

Ok, so I had this looooooong post typed up, ready to hit post. And what does IE do? That’s right, freezes. And what has WordPress not done? That’s right, no auto-save done. WTF! Why oh why do I ever try IE when I know its just going to frickin screw up on me??? Now I know I won’t remember or write what I had written before. *sigh* frustrations.

It has yet again been way to long since I sat down and wrote here. But I am crawling out again to try again. I suppose that is a good sign that I do keep trying. What doesn’t feel good is that I have to keep trying, confused? Yah, so am I. I would love to stop having that kicked-in-the-gut feeling.

The kids started school today. Which is great, my oldest has started her freshman year in High School. And my youngest has started Middle School. Which means I’m back to my old stay-at-home self since being let go, which is nice and sucks all at the same time. So what shall I do today…. stress, worry, be in pain from the migraines still? Yah, that sounds about right. *sigh* and its only 9am….

maybe I’ll just go cry a little bit…

Been a while…

Well it seems I let time slip by once again. Things have been rather hectic and I’ve just not had the desire to write anything recently. School is going well. I have passed all the mod’s so far with high A’s. I’m still afraid over every quiz and every test… hell even every practice assignment. But I suppose its a good thing that I prove myself wrong every time.

Christmas and New Year’s went by way to fast, but did go very well. The kids were happy & had a great time, and that’s what really matters. We went to a Laff’s Comedy Cafe for New Year’s without the kids. I had a blast. Which is a new one for me. If you live in the Tucson area, its most definately a known place and a well reccomended visit for those who like to laugh.

The other thing keeping me down is the migraines are back. They’ve been daily for over 2 months now and have no sign of going away. The DR had me try vicodin for the pain… didn’t help. We’re now trying fioricets for the pain, they help a bit, and then a beta blocker as a preventitive. She said it’d take 3 weeks before I’d notice if the beta blocker is “blocking” but, I don’t see it helping yet. Did an MRI 2 weeks ago, and haven’t heard back from her as to the results, good or bad. Military doctors, really they frustrate me to no end. So I just try to go through my work day into the school night and just live with the pain.

Gotta jump back into work and finish up for the day.

I said no!

I am in awe of myself, I just said “no” when a co-worker (whom always pushes his work off on me,) asked me “Do you have time for blah, blah, blah?” *Pats herself on the back* I’m always afraid of hurting people, or stepping on toes so I always say yes, no matter how busy or overwhelmed I am. This felt so hard to say, but omg is is so great! He said “ok, then I will.” ….. just like that!! No muss, no fuss!! I need to try this more often.


Is this what “normal” is???

Is this? I sit in amazement every day now. I don’t feel an unending urge to just cry, to just curl up and hide and wish it all away anymore. I have to admit, I cannot remember the last time I ever felt this “okay”. You would have thought that being a mother twice over, moving and living in such lovely and interesting places over the years that a person would have absolutely no reason at all to feel the way I’ve felt the last 13 years. And the clouds aren’t so dark anymore, its amazing to me. I still have quite a few dauting issues to work through, but I can see now, that I am not the only one. Everyone deals with these things. Debt, children fighting, their own children growing, daily house chores, daily job chores. I am not alone, and I need to hang onto that because when I was drowning, all I ever felt was alone, even with my loving family and friends. Its so hard to explain to anyone who’s not gone through it.

I am enjoying life again, and I just keep feeling the urge to shout it out and share it.
Thank you for sharing it with me. ๐Ÿ™‚

I think its helping…

Just had a good day today, and boy is that been somthing I’ve not been able to say for so long. I had to sit down and think about it, and you know, today had all the little things in it that normally set me off on down the endless pit of depsair, but they didn’t do it today. Even when I was on the Celexia I still had quite a few of those days. But I think this switch to the Lexapro has actually worked. I’m amazed at how I’m feeling lately. Its been 2 months since we switched me and, I’m pretty sure that’s how long it takes to kick in, so there really isn’t much doubt in my mind.

I wanted to share a site with you all also. I’ve found it to be the best thing since facebook, where crafting is concerned anyway. It’s Ravelry Its a site kinda like facebook but for Knitters & Crocheters and other fiber arts. They have forums, groups, patterns, even a lovely database where you can keep track & share what your working on. I LOVE it! Definately a must visit if your into any of those crafts.

Anyhoo, I must finish up here at the office so I can head home soon. Just had a burst of need to share.


Light on the horizon…

Jaymie's New Truck

Jaymie's New Truck

Just had a bit of happy news & happenings. I am quite excited that I finally got a new (used but new to me) truck!! A ’93 Toyota 4 runner. I am so so so happy and it is quite beautirific!!! It has all the bells and whistles, and on top of everything it is an automatic and still has 4-wheel drive! It drives so nice, not like a truck at all. I can say how happy I am. The old camry was truly on its last legs, now I have no worries about my vechicle starting or dying.

Whoo hoos!

Missing in Action…

So sorry to have not been around for a while. I’m not sure I even have readers to apologize to. *SIGH* Oh well. I’ve been busy being depressed, being up and being down, trying to get my diabetes back under control. Lemme tell you all, I absolutely HATE with the UTTMOST passion HATE having to evaluate and analyze every dang thing that I put into my mouth to eat. I feel like food is controling my enitre day, my entire life and that I cannot live because of it, yet this is what I must do to be able to live. Its a bit ironic and so very depressing.

My clay time has been nearly non-existant, sadly. I have quietly slid away from all my email groups and not been participating like I would like. Partly due to not having any time what-so-ever, and partly due to lack of skill. I see everyone elses lovely creations and omg I am just fooling myself to think I could ever create like they do. I’ve posted a new link to a lady I so admire: Annabel Arico. She has the most stunning and free creations. *BRAVO* Pop on over there and get an eye-full. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Anyway, back to work for me. I’d much rather be home trying to create, or hell even just home sleeping. I honestly don’t feel I’m at the right place at any time of day anymore. Here’s hoping to things going back up, it certainly can’t go down any further. *sigh*

Moving along…

Christmas Pins

Christmas Pins

Okay, so after a week of a few doctor visits, and my actually getting back on my meds. I really feel so much better. I’m not feeling like life is stomping all over me. So much so that I actaully got to play with clay this weekend, and the good thing is it was all for an ORDER, yes an actual order for christmas pins. Here are the 3 versions I came up with these to the right. They are each about 2 inches high. The buyer loved them, I’m proud to say. And I’m quite happy with how they turned out as well. I am going to sit down tonight and make up another batch for my family members as well.

Back to work I go!! TTFN!

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