What ifs…

That is what my problem is.

What ifs, why not mes, why didn’t Is, I should-haves, and I never wills.

People are always telling me and talking about forgiveness, and moving on, and letting go. Why can’t I? I say these things to myself every day. They are in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, and the past cannot hurt you. But truthfully, it does hurt me. Every day.

I fear its going to continue to hurt me, and I’m going to continue to feel alone even though I have so many who love me and I know I am not alone. I fear that once my kids grow up and have their own lives I will truly be alone, because it is only for them I am here right now as it is. I fear that with all of my continuous mistakes that there has been one to many and that I have missed my “ship” along the way. They have all sailed and been taken by the ones who do deserve them.

I am a firm solid believer in karma. I cannot think of anything I have ever done that I deserve this suffering, but I must have or I would not be. In my heart I do not believe I deserve these things. I just truly do not understand why I keep running into walls. I feel like I have no brain, no understanding. Everyone around me is smarter than I am because they can make it in life.

for now,
Namaste

Out of hiding…

Ok, so I had this looooooong post typed up, ready to hit post. And what does IE do? That’s right, freezes. And what has WordPress not done? That’s right, no auto-save done. WTF! Why oh why do I ever try IE when I know its just going to frickin screw up on me??? Now I know I won’t remember or write what I had written before. *sigh* frustrations.

It has yet again been way to long since I sat down and wrote here. But I am crawling out again to try again. I suppose that is a good sign that I do keep trying. What doesn’t feel good is that I have to keep trying, confused? Yah, so am I. I would love to stop having that kicked-in-the-gut feeling.

The kids started school today. Which is great, my oldest has started her freshman year in High School. And my youngest has started Middle School. Which means I’m back to my old stay-at-home self since being let go, which is nice and sucks all at the same time. So what shall I do today…. stress, worry, be in pain from the migraines still? Yah, that sounds about right. *sigh* and its only 9am….

maybe I’ll just go cry a little bit…
Namaste

Been a while…

Well it seems I let time slip by once again. Things have been rather hectic and I’ve just not had the desire to write anything recently. School is going well. I have passed all the mod’s so far with high A’s. I’m still afraid over every quiz and every test… hell even every practice assignment. But I suppose its a good thing that I prove myself wrong every time.

Christmas and New Year’s went by way to fast, but did go very well. The kids were happy & had a great time, and that’s what really matters. We went to a Laff’s Comedy Cafe for New Year’s without the kids. I had a blast. Which is a new one for me. If you live in the Tucson area, its most definately a known place and a well reccomended visit for those who like to laugh.

The other thing keeping me down is the migraines are back. They’ve been daily for over 2 months now and have no sign of going away. The DR had me try vicodin for the pain… didn’t help. We’re now trying fioricets for the pain, they help a bit, and then a beta blocker as a preventitive. She said it’d take 3 weeks before I’d notice if the beta blocker is “blocking” but, I don’t see it helping yet. Did an MRI 2 weeks ago, and haven’t heard back from her as to the results, good or bad. Military doctors, really they frustrate me to no end. So I just try to go through my work day into the school night and just live with the pain.

Gotta jump back into work and finish up for the day.
Namaste

Still hooking… (excuse the pun!!)

Lil Turtle Friend

Lil Turtle Friend

Made a couple more things with crochet this past weekend/week. First off was a lil bitty turtle for my boyfriend’s son. He loves turtles, and well I’m really trying to ease his transition to living with us and I thought this might help as a welcoming gesture.

I also threw together somthing for my DD. She went to a Girl Scout camp for the weekend and on friday before she left I realized I hadn’t made her that water-bottle holder that I’d so wanted to do. So, needless to say, I found a really quick pattern here: Ravelry done by JoAnne Leonard aka: HappyHooking I really love the way mine turned out. I did have to alter it a bit from her pattern, but that was because I had to use what I had on hand here at the office, which was a smaller hook, but it turned out lovely I think, and my DD just loved it!

Quick & Easy Water Bottle Sling

Quick & Easy Water Bottle Sling

Anyway, I’ve really been frustrated with the gifts I’ve been working on for my neice’s birthday this comming weekend. I’ve gotten a really sweet poncho finished up for her as well as a cute hat, and a sweet lil amigurumi bunny, but I’ve been hitting a wall when it comes to a purse/tote/bag to make for her. I think I’ve frogged 4 projects already. They just don’t seem to want to come together, or to look as cute as the pattern originals. *sigh* Hopefully the one I started last night will come through and turn out. I’ll post some photos after she’s received them. Don’t want to spoil the surprise. 🙂

for now,
Namaste,

New things!!!

Well, its been quite busy around my place lately. I have been working hard trying to do an online class taught by Christi Friesen through Doll Street Dreamers So far all I have done is my wings and my head/face is only 1/2 way done. Here are the wings:

Work in Progress - Green Goddess Wings

Work in Progress - Green Goddess Wings

Hopefully I can motivate myself to finish up her head real soon. Her body & clothing should be pretty simple after that.

I’ve also re-discovered another craft that I used to do when I was my daughter’s age. Crocheting. The thing is now, I’m not just doing the simple pot-holder square, or scarf, I’m actually trying the stuff I never imagined I could do. Hats, doilies, amigurumi, and I’m even going to try my hand at filet crochet. I’m really enjoying myself, and my daughter is even joining in and trying her hand at the hats & amigurumi. I’m about 98% completed on my very first doily, and I’ll post a photo of that once I get it blocked out and pretty. Here are the first hats I’ve ever done in the meantime:

Cloche Hat

Cloche Hat

My Daughter Wearing the Cloche hat.

My Daughter Wearing the Cloche hat.

Child's Light Cap

Light Cap.

I made the cloche hat, as well as the white hat following the instructions here: The Art of Crochet At this site she has TONS and TONS of helpful videos and projects. She’s really helped me get started, and get interested to keep going.

Other than that life is still rolling on. The kids start school next Monday. Even though they won’t admit it, I know they are happy for the shorter summer. They just get to bored sitting at home playing video games all day. 😉

Anyway, that’s all I have time for today, hopefully I’ll have somemore to share very soon!

Namaste

Sadness is overwhelming…

My Grandmother

My Grandmother

I had a very sad weekend past. Last Thursday my mother and I found out that her mom, my grandma had passed away in the night. This was the only grandmother I had known, even though she had lived a state away. I spent the majority of my summers at her home, with her. She was a very beautiful, inspirational, artistic, musical, and lovely lady. I cannot say in words enough to express my love for her. She will be deeply missed and always remembered.

I am still a little raw from the whole experiance. Hopefully I can sit down sometime soon and actually write somthing fitting for a rememberance of her and her life. For now this will have to do.

With love and hope for all,
Namaste