What ifs…

That is what my problem is.

What ifs, why not mes, why didn’t Is, I should-haves, and I never wills.

People are always telling me and talking about forgiveness, and moving on, and letting go. Why can’t I? I say these things to myself every day. They are in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, and the past cannot hurt you. But truthfully, it does hurt me. Every day.

I fear its going to continue to hurt me, and I’m going to continue to feel alone even though I have so many who love me and I know I am not alone. I fear that once my kids grow up and have their own lives I will truly be alone, because it is only for them I am here right now as it is. I fear that with all of my continuous mistakes that there has been one to many and that I have missed my “ship” along the way. They have all sailed and been taken by the ones who do deserve them.

I am a firm solid believer in karma. I cannot think of anything I have ever done that I deserve this suffering, but I must have or I would not be. In my heart I do not believe I deserve these things. I just truly do not understand why I keep running into walls. I feel like I have no brain, no understanding. Everyone around me is smarter than I am because they can make it in life.

for now,
Namaste

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