Living & loving in life…

Ok so I never thought I would understand the words. Even if you had asked me 4 months ago I would’ve told you that you were delusional and that such a thing didn’t exist simply because I couldn’t see it and had never felt it.

I was wrong.

Living and loving life is being able to wake up and smile.

I think that’s the basic flat out foundation of the whole dam thing. But to know that someone, even if they aren’t right next to you, truly cares for you deep in their soul and being. And to know that you have that same care deep down in the fibers of your being that you didn’t know existed either. That builds it up so much more. To be able to share every little thought from the silliest to the most serious, to be able to voice any little or big thing that happens to pop into your brain and not worry that they are going to look at you like your from another planet. That is all part of the ultimate love in life.

Just a short time ago, I was at a point in my life where I had decided to give up on love and to give up on finding someone to spend my life with. I told myself that there wasn’t anyone for me out there, and even if there was chances were I’d missed him, and even if I did find someone I would screw things up to where it wouldn’t work out anyway. So I decided to let it go, and to focus on being here for my children for now, and after that, what I would do, I had no idea. It is amazing what can happen when you let yourself free like that. Not sure how it happened or who I am to have deserved to finally have found him, but I have. It’s one of the most amazing things on this earth, alongside having my children. Except this was somthing completely unexpected and so perfectly right.

The sun feels that much brighter, the wind this much cooler, the smells of the rain on a stormy day that much sweeter. This love has inspired me and awaken me to finally and fully live my life.

I am so grateful for that.


Choices and decisions…

Have I made the right ones?

I have to constantly remind myself that no matter how hard today is, yesterday is gone and I did alright. I am better now than I was. The kids are better now, and every day is a step forward even though they are small and difficult. Staying in bad situations so my kids could have “things” would have been wrong, and was wrong. They need me well, want me well, and that is what they have now. Is what I am working hard to improve.

Happiness is out there. On a tree, growing an apple for me to come and grab. Have picked a few unripened ones, one with a bruise and a worm inside. This shiny one looks right. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Under this big blue sky all things are possible. It never stops turning, for anyone. That is its nature. We need to remember to go out and enjoy all that it has to offer while we are here and able to. I always forget that too.

This is another reminder to myself. I hope you all don’t mind. ๐Ÿ˜‰


A poem…

I haven’t written one in many many years, and this one was just inspired and I had to put it down. I’ve not ever been a very good critic of my own work. Most of my writing was done in high school, and seems childish to me. This may still be so. But that is neither here nor there, I had to write it regardless. If you have any interest in reading any others they are under my name ladysunflower at the Deviant Art website. So here it goes:

-You Fit Me-

My arms
My mind
My understanding

thoughts and feelings

outside when you hold me
inside when you fill me

My breath
My soul

every waking moment
through deep slumber bliss.

September 7, 2010


What ifs…

That is what my problem is.

What ifs, why not mes, why didn’t Is, I should-haves, and I never wills.

People are always telling me and talking about forgiveness, and moving on, and letting go. Why can’t I? I say these things to myself every day. They are in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, and the past cannot hurt you. But truthfully, it does hurt me. Every day.

I fear its going to continue to hurt me, and I’m going to continue to feel alone even though I have so many who love me and I know I am not alone. I fear that once my kids grow up and have their own lives I will truly be alone, because it is only for them I am here right now as it is. I fear that with all of my continuous mistakes that there has been one to many and that I have missed my “ship” along the way. They have all sailed and been taken by the ones who do deserve them.

I am a firm solid believer in karma. I cannot think of anything I have ever done that I deserve this suffering, but I must have or I would not be. In my heart I do not believe I deserve these things. I just truly do not understand why I keep running into walls. I feel like I have no brain, no understanding. Everyone around me is smarter than I am because they can make it in life.

for now,

Out of hiding…

Ok, so I had this looooooong post typed up, ready to hit post. And what does IE do? That’s right, freezes. And what has WordPress not done? That’s right, no auto-save done. WTF! Why oh why do I ever try IE when I know its just going to frickin screw up on me??? Now I know I won’t remember or write what I had written before. *sigh* frustrations.

It has yet again been way to long since I sat down and wrote here. But I am crawling out again to try again. I suppose that is a good sign that I do keep trying. What doesn’t feel good is that I have to keep trying, confused? Yah, so am I. I would love to stop having that kicked-in-the-gut feeling.

The kids started school today. Which is great, my oldest has started her freshman year in High School. And my youngest has started Middle School. Which means I’m back to my old stay-at-home self since being let go, which is nice and sucks all at the same time. So what shall I do today…. stress, worry, be in pain from the migraines still? Yah, that sounds about right. *sigh* and its only 9am….

maybe I’ll just go cry a little bit…

Acheivements for today… so far…

Ok, gonna try to get in this habit. Here’s what I feel are my acheivements for the day, so far today anyway.

  • Stayed at work even though my head is exploding with a migraine still.
  • Ate a healthier lunch that was a roasted chicken sandwhich and only 420 calories.
  • Studied for the vocab quiz that’s in class tonight.
  • I told my kids I loved them before they left for school.
  • That’s it so far. Still have quite a few hours to go… so we’ll see if I can add any.


    Been a while…

    Well it seems I let time slip by once again. Things have been rather hectic and I’ve just not had the desire to write anything recently. School is going well. I have passed all the mod’s so far with high A’s. I’m still afraid over every quiz and every test… hell even every practice assignment. But I suppose its a good thing that I prove myself wrong every time.

    Christmas and New Year’s went by way to fast, but did go very well. The kids were happy & had a great time, and that’s what really matters. We went to a Laff’s Comedy Cafe for New Year’s without the kids. I had a blast. Which is a new one for me. If you live in the Tucson area, its most definately a known place and a well reccomended visit for those who like to laugh.

    The other thing keeping me down is the migraines are back. They’ve been daily for over 2 months now and have no sign of going away. The DR had me try vicodin for the pain… didn’t help. We’re now trying fioricets for the pain, they help a bit, and then a beta blocker as a preventitive. She said it’d take 3 weeks before I’d notice if the beta blocker is “blocking” but, I don’t see it helping yet. Did an MRI 2 weeks ago, and haven’t heard back from her as to the results, good or bad. Military doctors, really they frustrate me to no end. So I just try to go through my work day into the school night and just live with the pain.

    Gotta jump back into work and finish up for the day.

    I said no!

    I am in awe of myself, I just said “no” when a co-worker (whom always pushes his work off on me,) asked me “Do you have time for blah, blah, blah?” *Pats herself on the back* I’m always afraid of hurting people, or stepping on toes so I always say yes, no matter how busy or overwhelmed I am. This felt so hard to say, but omg is is so great! He said “ok, then I will.” ….. just like that!! No muss, no fuss!! I need to try this more often.



    Well I’m happy to say that my neice had her birthday party on Saturday and she LOVED the gifts I’d made for her. I had been soooooo over worried that she wouldn’t like them as much as the other things I knew other people would be “buying” her. But her face lit up when she pulled her little bunny

    Little Bunny Friend

    Little Bunny Friend

    out of the little tote bag
    Little Girl Tote Bag

    Little Girl Tote Bag

    . It was really sweet. She also loved her poncho that I made for her, she put it on over her Belle dress she was wearing.
    Little Girl's Poncho

    Little Girl's Poncho

    It definately made all the work on them worth while.

    So now I’m on to other projects. Its my own daughter’s birthday coming up in October. So I’ve got a few ideas in the works for her. My only issue there is finding the time to make them when she isn’t looking. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’ve also have the desire to really work on some doilies, even though I know they are a bit outdated they are so beautiful. I am also trying out what’s called Filet Crochet. Basically its like graph paper with squares filled in to make the picture, but with the crochet your filling in the squares with the crochet stitches AND making the grid squares with the stitches. It really sounds harder than it is. I’ve already done 12 rows on a beginning project and I’ve impressed myself that it is actually working and so easy.

    So that’s what’s up in my little world. Really only a portion of it even. With the kids back in school and activities starting up, I hope that my new found up swing, strength, and hope, will keep up and keep forward.

    so for now,

    Is this what “normal” is???

    Is this? I sit in amazement every day now. I don’t feel an unending urge to just cry, to just curl up and hide and wish it all away anymore. I have to admit, I cannot remember the last time I ever felt this “okay”. You would have thought that being a mother twice over, moving and living in such lovely and interesting places over the years that a person would have absolutely no reason at all to feel the way I’ve felt the last 13 years. And the clouds aren’t so dark anymore, its amazing to me. I still have quite a few dauting issues to work through, but I can see now, that I am not the only one. Everyone deals with these things. Debt, children fighting, their own children growing, daily house chores, daily job chores. I am not alone, and I need to hang onto that because when I was drowning, all I ever felt was alone, even with my loving family and friends. Its so hard to explain to anyone who’s not gone through it.

    I am enjoying life again, and I just keep feeling the urge to shout it out and share it.
    Thank you for sharing it with me. ๐Ÿ™‚