What ifs…

That is what my problem is.

What ifs, why not mes, why didn’t Is, I should-haves, and I never wills.

People are always telling me and talking about forgiveness, and moving on, and letting go. Why can’t I? I say these things to myself every day. They are in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, and the past cannot hurt you. But truthfully, it does hurt me. Every day.

I fear its going to continue to hurt me, and I’m going to continue to feel alone even though I have so many who love me and I know I am not alone. I fear that once my kids grow up and have their own lives I will truly be alone, because it is only for them I am here right now as it is. I fear that with all of my continuous mistakes that there has been one to many and that I have missed my “ship” along the way. They have all sailed and been taken by the ones who do deserve them.

I am a firm solid believer in karma. I cannot think of anything I have ever done that I deserve this suffering, but I must have or I would not be. In my heart I do not believe I deserve these things. I just truly do not understand why I keep running into walls. I feel like I have no brain, no understanding. Everyone around me is smarter than I am because they can make it in life.

for now,


Sadness is overwhelming…

My Grandmother

My Grandmother

I had a very sad weekend past. Last Thursday my mother and I found out that her mom, my grandma had passed away in the night. This was the only grandmother I had known, even though she had lived a state away. I spent the majority of my summers at her home, with her. She was a very beautiful, inspirational, artistic, musical, and lovely lady. I cannot say in words enough to express my love for her. She will be deeply missed and always remembered.

I am still a little raw from the whole experiance. Hopefully I can sit down sometime soon and actually write somthing fitting for a rememberance of her and her life. For now this will have to do.

With love and hope for all,